Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Being A Better Wife...

Sometimes I have this inner struggle inside me that I am not the wife I should be. Now understand I have never cheated, or done anything like that. I just sometimes feel I don't do enough for him. Maybe I don't cook or clean as much as I should. I grew up in a home where my mom rarely cooked, and I just never learned! Plus I am a picky eater and it's hard for me to cook lots of different things since I won't test them to make sure they are ok...hehe...it's funny, but it's sad too in so many ways.

I want to be the wife with all the energy in the world who can do everything. Is that possible in these days? My house is clean, maybe a little disorganized at times, but I would never be embarassed if someone just showed up at the front door. I would allow them in the living room only though! The other rooms just need some storage space :)

I give BDC all the love and support I can. I shower him with hugs and kisses. I am his best friend. I thought love is all you needed, but so many people have made it mandatory that you be more than that to be a good wife. You have to be perfect, which I am not.

I found this article on eHow.com and thought I would share. If this is all it takes them I'm in!

What do you think makes a good wife?

How to be a Better Wife
By GreenMomma

Rate: (5 Ratings)

We could all be a better wife if we tried just a little bit harder. Hopefully these tips will get you started on improving your already perfect or not so perfect marriage.

Step 1 - Get off his back. Your husband is a grown man with his own thoughts and desires. Just because you think he should be doing something particular doesn't mean he has to do it right now all the time. Give the man a break and stop nagging him. Remember, you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Ask nicely and maybe you'll be happily surprised.

Step 2 - Forgive and forget. That's right, I said FORGET. That fight you had last week over washing the dishes or whatever is over an done with. Stop rehashing old stuff and reminding him of what a lousy husband or father he is. Just move on already and drop it.

Step 3 - Fight fairly. This means no nasty name calling, no hitting, spitting, breaking dishes or anything else. Just say what you have to say, get it off your chest and be sure that you don't put him down while you are doing it. If you want your husband to be crushed by the woman he loves, then so be it, but you're ruining the man you fell in love with and he may actually start to fall out of love with you and you could lose him all together.

Step 4 - Say I love you. Say it often, leave special notes around. Remind your husband how special he is to you.

Step 5 - Go out of your way to do something nice for him every day. If you find you never have the time, start making some fast. These gestures wont go unnoticed and it may even inspire him to do something nice for you.

Step 6 - Don't withhold affection. This goes for hugs, kisses and sex. Its good for both of you so kiss him often!

Step 7 - Teamwork. You are a team. Everything about you as a couple is a team. If you can pitch in and help raking the yard do it. If you help him with his chores, he'll be more likely to help you with yours - without even being asked!

Step 8 - Respect your husband in front of others and at home. Don't call your mommy or sister every time your husband does something "stupid". Keep it to yourself. There's nothing cool about putting your husband down or talking about him. What goes on between the two of you should stay that way.

Bring The Rain...

I've been reading a blog about a mother who had lost a baby shortly after birth, and I have been mesmorized by it! It's a very inspiring blog, but I must say it has been very sad lately. Angie, who writes the blog, just lost her daughter Audrey I think 7-8 weeks ago and this week her sister in law's baby died from SIDs. It's a horrible tradegy for their family and I wanted to share her site, and if you feel moved to show her some love and support.


More from me later :)

Friday, May 30, 2008

My 10 greatest joys...

1. My husband's smile

2. My daughter's laughter

3. My families love

4. Feeling the water on my feet

5. Hugging my nieces

6. Hearing my kitty meow

7. Cuddling in bed sleeping in late

8. Scrapbooking

9. Blogging

10. Being a mommy!

This was my first journal prompt from the CafeMom group "Blogspot Mommies" everyone can do theirs as detailed as they want or just a simple list like mine :) Any way you do it is right!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sick of it...

I am soooo sick of having to take care of everyone else's problems.

Now let me tell you all my life I have been the most giving, helping person to everyone around me. I say this not out of being concieted or anything of the nature. I've just always wanted to help everyone.

My dad died when I was 3, leaving my mom at widow at 36 years old. She had never in her life been on her own, never in her entire life had to support herself or run her own life. That's just the way it was. So starting at 3, I became Mom's companion. Growing up I grocery shopped, I helped around the house, I constantly stressed about helping with money, I worked my hardest to work a full time job and graduate high school early. Which by the way even though I graduated with honors and a scholarship to college, I never recieved a card or gift or even anyone saying one thing to me. My mom got the house repossessed and I had to find somewhere for us to go, all the while my older brothers never helped.

Ok to the story at hand...my older brother 'S' is mentally unstable, dying of a heart disease. It's a long story but the whole time I've taken care of him, filled out his paperwork, talked to his doctors, did everything and never have been appreciated for it. I've been yelled at and stressed out. He finally was approved for Social Security (which I did everything for starting 5 years ago). We were all happy, finally he could take care of himself instead of depending on everyone else, then getting mad when we didn't always do it his way.

Last month he recieved a letter in the mail from the Los Angeles Court stating he had a warrant for not completing drug rehab (which we knew nothing about). I wrote a letter and sent medical records showing he has a terminal illness and is out of state with family. Due to the warrant his SS was cut off. No more money.

Today I called the court after NUMEROUS times and they finally tell me he has to come back to CA. I can never explain how dramatic S is. I can already hear him saying "I my as well die now, there is nothing to live for all that happens to me is I get **ck'ed over".

I cannot deal with the stress other people put on me for their lives anymore. I have enough in my head to fill a lifetime of saddness, anger, and on and on. I need everyone to realize I just went through the worst possible thing anyone can experience.

The loss of a child. My child.

I just want to live MY life and not have to deal with everyone else's problems. I do not want people to take on my problems or feel sorry for me. I hope this hasn't sounded horrible, but I just need a break. For once I would love if my family embraced me with love and understanding that mentally and emotionally I am frail. I am broken and need the time to pick up my own pieces before I pick up their's.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Bad Day...

Yesterday I woke up in the worst mood ever. And who did I yell at first? Of course, my loving husband BDC. I do in home day care so when I wake up in the morning first thing I do is clean the living room if it's messed up and vaccum.

Ok, back up some. The night before I had went to bed early (I've been craving sleep like crazy lately) and on the way to the room I remember saying...

"Baby please pick up the trash atleast out here for me?" and of course he said yes, but like most men didn't hear me.

So in the morning the living room has a trash bag on the floor, dirty socks thrown on the floor, an empty soda bottle. UGH!!!! I do admit, I'm not the best homemaker in the world and occasionally the house looks a lil...well...DISORGANIZED! I'm used to it on occasion, but this particular morning I lost it.

I ranted and raved, threw things around and made sure I did it loud enough for BDC to hear as he still lay in the bed sleeping. Normally it might have made me felt better but not now. I was miserable.

The day never got better for me and nothing bad actually happened. I was angry at the world until I went to sleep. Nothing could make me smile, nothing could break the mood I was in. I was just angry...at nothing.

I don't like being upset and miserable where it makes me feel like I did. It has happened a lot since I lost Princess, and I'm sure it was something underlying that made me think of my angel and made me angry.

Even though they don't read my blog, I am sorry BDC and Monkey. I love you.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day

We drove to Princess' grave today. It started raining on the way, so I said let's just go and make sure all her toys and flowers are ok and we can go. As soon as we turned into the drive that her lil grave is on we saw there was another baby buried by her.

It always saddens me and BDC (formally known as Hubby) when we see there is another baby buried close to Princess. We know how much pain and suffering the parents are going through, so fresh into the grieving process. Since Princess was buried in Feb. there have been 5 other babies buried there.

Today I remember all the people who have been lost, whether through fighting for us all to be free, or all the babies lost on the war on prematurity and infant loss.

My respect for the military and their families is huge. We should be remembering them everyday! We all need to remember that just because we are mad at the man running this country and his lies to us about why the war started, that our young people over there fighting are doing it for all of us and they need our support no matter what.

Ok, I'm tired and I've babbled a lil too long.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Random Pictures 5-25-07

Thought these were kinda pretty :)

I just got a new camera phone and am so happy with it! It came with a memory card and everything. Makes me feel very high class hehe. So I am sure there will be more random pic's showing the things I've seen.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

3 Months...

Today has been 3 months since my precious baby girl left this world.

I don't know whether to think "Wow, it's gone by so fast" or "It's gone by so slow". It's as if time has gone super fast and so slow at the same exact time. I'm not sure how to deal with it, or even where I start with my feelings.

A lot of people have commented on the strength that angel mother's have, and I want to say thank you. Maybe with the power or positive thinking I can become stronger and live up to what everyone thinks. There is a certain strengeth that you are required to have...for yourself, for your family, for everyone around you. My strength comes from the Hubby and no where else. He is the reason I've made it through to the point I am now.

I need to be stronger. I need to be stronger as a mother to Monkey who is here with me. I need to be stronger as a wife. I need to be stronger for myself. It's not that I feel sorry for myself, because I don't. I've been through so much in my life that feeling sorry for myself is outta the question anymore. But I feel sorry for my precious baby girl that she never was even given a chance by anyone but me and Hubby. That's all we ever wanted, was someone else to give her a chance. One lil chance at having a future with us.

We are waiting for Princess headstone to be put in. It will bring me peace. All I think about is stuff I can do at her grave to make it prettier, or think about how I can honor her memory and share her story.

On a happier note my friend owns a Farmer's Insurance and they are doing a huge fundraiser for the March of Dimes. She is putting Princess' picture on the t-shirts they are wearing for a charity softball game. I've known her since the first day of kindy-garden and couldn't be more touched at her helping me let Princess live on.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Lazy Day...

I woke up so tired this morning, I didn't even wanna get out of bed. For the past year or so I've had the luxury of being able to sleep in, and thankfully Monkey loves her sleep too! I love cuddling with her after she has come into my room looking to see if Daddy is at work already and when she discovers he's not she climbs in his spot.

Nowdays though I am up at 7am, which is ummm about 3 hours too early for me lol. But since I've started doing day care in my home I have to. I guess it's what I needed to get me motivated to get out of bed and doing something. Some days are real hard to do that. Those are the days my mind thinks too much.

I added everyone to my blog roll and OF COURSE my luck the computer froze up and I hadn't saved it yet. So bare with me BLOGSPOT MOMMIES! You will be there soon :)

Monday, May 19, 2008

Don't Understand

Last night at the hospital where I had my Princess, they had a memorial service for all the people who have passed away this year. Now me and Hubby had been planning on going...

When I recieved the letter in the mail from the chaplin I cried beyond belief. They were going to honor my daughter in a service. It was so touching, so loving to know someone else thinks of Princess...but it was also so painful. I suppose I should of been happy they were including her, and I was...but it's just so sad.

I wonder why so many babies have to die?

Before I had become preggo with Princess my aunt had lost her first baby. She had found out in pregnancy that the baby had water on his lil brain and wouldn't make it. He was here with us for 2 days before he became an angel. It was devestating to the whole family, and I'm sure we all thought it would never happen to us as a family again. It did though.

I also have a male friend who I consider my best friend. Hubby know's him and loves him too. He lives in another state and has been to visit us a couple times since we moved out of California, so these days our relationship is maintained through phone calls. He is one of the most responsible level headed men I know (I met him when we were very young, I've seen him become the man he is today). I'll call him Sparky (he would kill me if he saw that lol).

Sparky got married about a year ago to a girl he has been dating for a couple years. I was so excited for him and couldn't wait for them to have babies, even though he has always said "nah no babies for me". I knew he would be a wonderful dad and that once it happened he would be thrilled. I found out his wifey was pregnant while I was still preggo with Alyssa. We talked about sharing baby clothes if he had a girl too since Princess would be older. It was wonderful.

Two weeks ago I text him and asked what he was having. His reply "My baby died"...

I couldn't believe it! I have been horrible with the phone since Princess left, and text messaging is my form of a social life. I was bawling before I even called him. He tells me that she was 18 weeks along and something went wrong with the baby. They knew it was a boy but never saw him and never gave him a name. It killed me inside.

Sparky said they are doing fine, not to worry about them that someday they will have another baby. He is so strong.

I don't understand why there are so many mother's going through this...

I don't understand why there are so many father's going through this and being looked upon like they shouldn't grieve like a mom should...


Friday, May 16, 2008

Just Some History...

I really want to use this blog as an way to express all my feelings about everything, but in patricular about the death of my daughter. So I think in order to do that I must give you all some history. First off I had a miscarriage last June and was devestated. I'm a high risk mom being diabetic and insulin dependent when I am preggo, as well as developing high blood pressure in pregnancy. We were assured it was just something that happened and it was nothing to do with anything I had done or not done. All the same it was devestating.

After the miscarriage I was determined to get pregnant again, it consumed my mind and my heart. Amazingly 3 months later I was pregnant. The first 4 months were uncomplicated and wonderful. I had posted a blog explaining when it all started going wrong on MySpace and am going to repost it here. This is the first part of my story and I'll write the rest this weekend.


So this might be long but I kno a lot of ppl have lots and questions so here is a lil bit of what has been going on with me...

The Saturday before New Year's I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain, it was so bad I was on the floor crying. After 8 pokes of the IV they finally got it in and told me I was dehydrated and gave me fluids. They also ran tests and said it was a reaction to Codeine, which I was taking for tooth pain. Sent me home and said I would be ok.

On Monday I went to my regular doc in tons of pain again and she admitted me to the hospital for dehydration. While in the hospital they again ran tests, thinking something might be wrong with my gallbladder. The doc released me later I found out before she got all my test results back. She gave me a medicine for my tummy and I was starting to feel better.

Day One (Thursday) : I woke up feeling ok and started to get ready to go to the high risk doc when I noticed my eyes were BRIGHT YELLOW! I called the doc and she told me to come down she was going to admit me to the hospital. I was told my gallbladder tests came back funny and they had overlooked them, that I most likely needed it to come out.

Day Two (Friday) : Had a MRCP (like a MRI done). They covered my eyes and ears so I couldnt see or hear and put me in a machine with weighted pillows on my body so I couldn't move. It was NOT fun. Met with the surgeon who said I needed my gallbladder out and that it was a very easy surgery and I should only be in hospital a couple of days. They wouldn't have to cut me open, just a few small incscions.

Day Three (Saturday): Taken into surgery at 8am. Told it would be fast, I would wake up and just feel groggy no tubes or anything in me anymore and I would be on my way to recovery. Not the case at all. I woke up in horrible pain with a tube down my nose and straight down into my stomach. It was sucking out green and black fluid from my stomach and it hurt. I was so miserable I didn't kno what was going on and the pain was so severe. I didn't find out till later what had happened. I wasn't allowed to have anything by mouth and my mouth was so dry it was choking me making me feel like I couldn't breathe.

Day Four (Sunday): Finally allowed to have ice chips THANK GOD! I was beginning to get congested and my throat was closing up with icky stuff causing me to feel I couldn't breathe and making me panic. The doc told me even tho I should be getting better that something else was wrong and they didn't kno what, or how to treat me. I am still yellow.

Day Five (Monday): The tube is finally taken out of my nose and I am able to start feeling a lil better. That tube was horrible, it had me so depressed and so down it hurt and was just awful. I finally found out that when they did my surgery they punctured my stomach and put a whole in it, that's why I was cut open and left with this 6 inch scar. They still don't kno what is wrong me with, my levels of bilirubin (which make you yellow) haven't gone down and they don't kno what to do.

Day Six (Tuesday) : I am finally allowed to drink water and late in the day eat Jello. This is the 10th day of me not eating. I've lost 22 pounds in less than 3 weeks. Once again they don't kno what's wrong with me but are thinking of releasing me so I can go see a liver specialist becuz it's possibly a liver problem. All I want is to go home I'm so depressed and sad. I wasn't suppossed to be here this long.

Day Seven (Wed) : Drainage tube is taken out of my side and I'm allowed to eat real food. I'm released from the hospital even tho they still haven't fixed me and I'm not better, but healing from surgery and being injured with that.

Since I've been home I'm still yellow. It might last my whole pregnancy. I've seen the liver specialist who is clueless as to what's causing this, but confindent it's not affecting my baby's health. I've had more labs done and will be monitored while they try and figure out something to do for me. I'm a medical mystery.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Mother's Day...a lil late...

We spent Mother's Day morning at the grave of my daughter, aka Princess. On the way over to the cemetery as always to our usual routine we listened to the Kenny Chesney song "Who You'd Be Today". It's our song to my Princess and we both cry everytime we hear it. Somehow it's a form of therapy I'm sure since we release our emotions about missing her so much. It's not been 3 months yet and it's still so raw. I can't believe she is gone, it's still so unreal and so very painful.

As always we took gifts for my Princess. Monkey took her baby sister a Bratz Cat that she had bought with her own money at a garage sale. It kills me inside to think of what confusion is in her head and that she has to deal with grief so early in life with her baby sister. I feel so guilty and horrible that Monkey and Hubby have to go through so much pain with me. Anyways I am sidetracking. Mommy and Daddy took a Disney Princess castle for her.

My emotions are ones to be expected...sadness, anger, happiness, thankfullness for what I have here...and so much more. I made it through the day fairly well I assume....well no I didn't. I cried myself to sleep that night and pretty much all day too. The tears won't stop and I can't make them. My princess should be here with her Mommy...

Cat Reincarnated!

So I started my home day care and have had 2 kiddo's here for the last 2 weeks. They are 1 and 2 (well almost) and are pretty good kid's. Which is a suprise to me cuz I have the worst luck ever and expected them to be lil devil's in disguise! They are on a regular schedule, both napping everyday giving me a lil time to get on here :) I should use the time to blog more!

So yesterday we got a kitten. I don't know what I am thinking....husband, kid, 2 dogs, and 1 kitten. This kitten is special though. And you wanna know why? Becuz he is my old cat reincarnated! I had a cat that I loved more than anything (and I'm not a cat person) and was so attached to. I mean it was bad that I made hubby move over on the bed so the cat could have more room to stretch out hahaha. I've been looking on craigslist.com for someone giving a kitten away and waalaa! Here he is!

Me and Monkey went and picked the kitty up from the nice lady and brought him home. I can't even look at him without thinking he is my old cat. I can't describe to you how important the other cat was to me, he was there with me thru my darkest days of addiction and was my only friend. Now this new kitty who is named after the first one, Lil Bam, is exactly like his namesake. He even came and got into bed with me and cuddled in my hair last night as I fell asleep. With everything else going on in my life having something comforting is a blessing.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Looking for other blogging moms...

Looking for other blogging mom's who love to recieve and give comments! Give me your link so I can post it here on my page...and expect to recieve comments and love from me frequently!

Cast of Characters

So here is the cast of characters you will encounter in my blog. It's the crazy part of me that thinks I need to hide our identity :) Just our names atleast hehe!

Hubby - my hubby of course
Monkey - my 5 year old daughter
My Princess - my baby daughter who was taken from us too soon

There will be more added as I blog more...but for now this is it!

crazy beautiful mom...

I've always had a passion for writing...writing anything really. When I was young I would write stories all day long it seemed like. Stories about girls who had babies, girls who were getting married and having babies...girls and babies. Now that I'm a "grown up" I just can't seem to find the time or energy to sit down and write like I used to and it makes me sad. So here I am entering the blogging world to bore you all with my daily life.

Since this is my first entry I will give you all some random facts about me!

  1. I just recently eloped with the love of my life, even though we have been together 8 years.
  2. We have 4 children together...but only 1 of them is here with us.
  3. I've had 2 miscarriages, the first in 2001, and the second in 2007.
  4. My baby daughter was born at 22 weeks in Feb, she was 18 weeks premature.
  5. I've buried a child, something no mother should have to go through.
  6. My 5 year old daughter recently decided to cut her own hair resulting in bangs.
  7. I have a home day care, and have 2 kiddo's starting on Monday.
  8. We moved from CA to MO almost 4 years ago to start a new life with our family.
  9. My dad died when I was 3 from a heart attack.
  10. I am terrified of Asian gangs...even though I grew up in Los Angeles...weird!