Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sick of it...

I am soooo sick of having to take care of everyone else's problems.

Now let me tell you all my life I have been the most giving, helping person to everyone around me. I say this not out of being concieted or anything of the nature. I've just always wanted to help everyone.

My dad died when I was 3, leaving my mom at widow at 36 years old. She had never in her life been on her own, never in her entire life had to support herself or run her own life. That's just the way it was. So starting at 3, I became Mom's companion. Growing up I grocery shopped, I helped around the house, I constantly stressed about helping with money, I worked my hardest to work a full time job and graduate high school early. Which by the way even though I graduated with honors and a scholarship to college, I never recieved a card or gift or even anyone saying one thing to me. My mom got the house repossessed and I had to find somewhere for us to go, all the while my older brothers never helped.

Ok to the story at hand...my older brother 'S' is mentally unstable, dying of a heart disease. It's a long story but the whole time I've taken care of him, filled out his paperwork, talked to his doctors, did everything and never have been appreciated for it. I've been yelled at and stressed out. He finally was approved for Social Security (which I did everything for starting 5 years ago). We were all happy, finally he could take care of himself instead of depending on everyone else, then getting mad when we didn't always do it his way.

Last month he recieved a letter in the mail from the Los Angeles Court stating he had a warrant for not completing drug rehab (which we knew nothing about). I wrote a letter and sent medical records showing he has a terminal illness and is out of state with family. Due to the warrant his SS was cut off. No more money.

Today I called the court after NUMEROUS times and they finally tell me he has to come back to CA. I can never explain how dramatic S is. I can already hear him saying "I my as well die now, there is nothing to live for all that happens to me is I get **ck'ed over".

I cannot deal with the stress other people put on me for their lives anymore. I have enough in my head to fill a lifetime of saddness, anger, and on and on. I need everyone to realize I just went through the worst possible thing anyone can experience.

The loss of a child. My child.

I just want to live MY life and not have to deal with everyone else's problems. I do not want people to take on my problems or feel sorry for me. I hope this hasn't sounded horrible, but I just need a break. For once I would love if my family embraced me with love and understanding that mentally and emotionally I am frail. I am broken and need the time to pick up my own pieces before I pick up their's.

2 comments:

Tricia said...

It took years before I became that go-to person for everyone again and in some cases...I'm still not.

It's normal to feel this way and the hardest part is not feeling guilty about it.

ummmhello said...

You're doing a great job moving forward. Family will always be there with their nuttiness - as long as you don't let it overwhelm you, you're going to be good... and you're going to make sure your little family grows in a better, more supportive environment for it :)